elementary

giving up a bad habit is like being afraid of ripping off a band-aid...like giving up smoking or ...worse...giving up coffee... at first you try to accept the concept of not behaving in that particular matter, then you try to have constant reminders of why doing it is bad in the first place...then you wake up the next morning and you tell yourself you're gonna start next monday, since no person in their right mind would start exercising, dieting or god-knows what else on a different day than monday...

you could try associating another bad habit with the first one so you know you don't do both...like smoking and coffee...you stop doing both altogether...but careful now cuz you know what they say...the sum of your vices is constant...so who knows what you'll end up doing more of...

you might wonder what's the moral in this...it's easy... you only need one person to have fun : yourself!

give us a little love

ever since you could remember all you wished for was a calm, happy, game-free life...

you got to experience drama to last you a lifetime, you got to play, be played, cheat, got cheated on, you've lied and been lied to...despite all that you never ceased to see the good in people, you never stopped putting yourself out there...

looking back it's been a hell of a ride, constantly looking over your shoulder, always paying attention to every single detail, watching your tongue and always on guard...you never knew what'll jump you right around the corner...you never could've imagined the stories you'll be able to tell about love, and treachery, trust, deceit, deception and euphoria...

at the end of the day consider yourself lucky if you fall asleep next to the one person you feel you can let your guard down...for relationships may be tricky, but in the end, whom you trust can be fatal...  

the quest

do you know that feeling of complete satisfaction at the end of the day when you've got all the shit you were supposed to do done? well...you're lucky...today I just found out how that feels...

facing a window, with a clean desk around you, all the tasks are done for the day...what's left is to sit back and feel proud of yourself...proud on how you handled things these past few months, proud of the person you've grown into...it's not like you've ever imagined you'd grow a conscience...never in your wildest dreams did you picture yourself as a stand-up person, who, not even after all the drama, lies, cheating, speaks her mind...stands up for what she believes in...came around to telling nothing but the truth...and finally someone who doesn't take bullshit from anyone!

what tops this continuous feeling of pride and exhilaration? that warm feeling you're home, not in a place, but in someone's tight arms around you...

it happens when you least expect it...you do your job, you finish that book, you catch up with old friends, and you fall in love again...

as for me...i'm in the mood for some late night Louboutins...

desire, dress, impress

when does missing someone turn into something more than mere longing to see that person? when does it get enough just to picture, imagine, almost feel?

someone once told me that just knowing that the possibility is out there, just withing reach, is enough...back then i couldn't wrap my mind around the idea..i mean, just get this: you are in control of your feelings, desires, cravings, realizing everything is possible makes it less desirable and more of an actual fact...you don't need to actually get out and get it if you're absolutely positively sure it's attainable...

on that note...reconsider your heart's desire and set higher goals for yourself!

as for me...i think i wanna wear this Three Floor dress to the upcoming August wedding...

what if i wanna be a purse...or a hat?

no...i'm not bipolar...your ranking system doesn't even begin to describe the level of polarity i am capable of...

in a world where it's better to be considered a bitch rather than a virgin, where honesty and true friendship are one of those rare long-lost values, what do you do when facing a decision?

what if the person you love and the item of your infatuation are two sides of a never-ending bickering about false expectations and ruined dreams...you cannot expect someone to give up everything they are and everything they have just to do the right thing!

people don't change...they develop into the person they're designed to be...you're born with an unique set of characteristics that are influenced by everything you experience...your behavior, your principles, even those tiny ideas you consider your own are mere imprints of the world upon your existence...

so instead of picturing how the object of your expectation will shift into the perfect something, try to do a little work on yourself and improve those little things that make you...well...you!

as for me...today i'm at a loss...i can't decide between a Furstenberg or vintage Chanel...

poker, love and other accessories

you're on the edge of two worlds...both equally fucked up...you get to keep yourself in one...and the other one turns you into something...something not even you know what...

staying true to your habits, to your morning coffee, your daily routine, your hopes and wishes, getting to go out every single night and not give a fuck...

on the other hand...who wouldn't follow their strong, silly instincts? who wouldn't jump into a pool of uncertainty and get by one day at a time? not knowing what'll happen, not knowing if what your gut is telling you is actually true, not knowing if giving a fuck will actually work to your advantage this time...not knowing where all this is heading, past actions and events being the only certainty...

you learned the hard way to trust your instincts, but the universe has its special way of sending you goddamn scrambled messages...one moment you're as confident as one can be given the circumstances, only to fall even lower upon the next turn of events...

communication was never your best skill...let's get real...who in their right mind would willingly give up information? thus putting themselves in a vulnerable spot by choice...but when you start talking, when you use only accurate facts, true stories and you put your cards on the table and you don't get the same in return what do you do? do you check or do you fold?

as for me...i'm waiting for an iced coffee and wishing a Vintage Hermes Scarf to go with my puppy eyes

glasses and sun...

were you ever under the impression all the drama's about to end? you could almost smell the relief crawling from behind...

then you went and followed your instincts...stuff happened...things were said...and as you woke up the morning after...the heart wrenching feeling of guilt and disappointment wasn't there...you poured yourself a cup of coffee...lit up a cigarette and waited...for something to happen, for your instincts to tell you to get the fuck out of there cuz everything's a trap...

no survival instincts activated, after a sleepless night and several energy drinks later...all you can think of is that it's gonna be ok...it might even turn out better than you have ever expected it to...

you might need an umbrella...they announced a touch of rain with a heavy chance of bullshit later on today...here's to people finally speaking their mind...and for those about to start climbing out of your denial nest...i salute you!

as for me...i'm craving McQueen today...blame it on the cat-mood

it's about time

mkay...it's summer..usually...it's what you've been waiting for 9 months...not this year...cuz when summer ends all hell breaks loose...you have your thesis due, you have to find a place to live, a job, a perfect graduation dress, shoes...and thus all sorts of issues arise...

the end of an era was a week ago, when facing the unexpected, you decide to throw a party..then attend one..then procrastinate until the end of time...

i'm gonna keep it short and tell you my wishes for this summer...to find the time to go swimming...managing to get to the seaside...finishing my paper on time...graduating...and, to top it all...this magnificent Michael Kors watch to keep me grounded...

ice coffee, a perfect tan [very unlikely], new shoes and the beginning of a new era...

everything is beautiful...everything is hopeless...

you know that specific moment of every day when you are absolutely positively sure you've got it all figured out?

wait a couple of hours...everything you know is false...all your expectations hang by a thread and nothing seems right anymore...and nothing seemed so right for such a long time now...

in the face of change, chance, falling in and out of love where do you go? what do you choose and when's the moment to end it? with every passing day getting more and more shocking...when you're running out of options...and all you've got is not giving in...what's the specific fuck you do to hold it all together?

there's nothing else you CAN do than pick yourself up from the rock bottom place you're in and carry on...with whatever it is you were doing...just make sure it's what makes you happy...

dressed to impress

It's the season to be Fabulous...weather permitting you'll be strotting down a crowded street, perfect Diane von Furstenberg dress...awesome hairday...and Mr. Right within touching distance...

Let the crappy, crappy winter-spring-wannabe season go...as well as your what ifs...

As the sun melts that cocoa butter off your legs, make sure you have the perfect teal peep toe pumps to go with that flashy attitude...

Seasons get to change so why won't you? Fuck the lawyers...let go of the ghosts of boyfriends past and enjoy your to-go coffee in a busy square with a pair of good old Tom Ford sunglasses on top...

That picture perfect day is yet to come...you're stuck indoors...doing all those nasty things you refused to deal with ages ago...5 opened tabs...articles in the background...cigarette in hand and another pot of fresh coffee waiting in the kitchen...

Hold on to those happy thoughts...take a deep breath and get to it...when time comes you'll get to walk away, 3 inches taller and dressed to kill...

As for me...i'm living what you can only dream of...

there is

it's all about that moment in time when it hits you...that moment when you meet someone you feel you've known for half of your life and everything you do goes...

and as cliche as it might seem...once in a blue moon it actually happens...as you were about to put your guns to rest, draw the line and go to sleep...it's the mere idea of a happy ending that keeps you up in the middle of the night without even realizing the passing of time and space and emotions...

it seemed you were forever stuck in nothingness... stuck in your head...stuck on a thing even you couldn't quite identify...but it was there...in the back of your head...restless...waiting...craving...

and as you try to shake it off...thinking it was just an illusion...it hits you again...when you least expect it...

what you never knew was there popped up right in the core of your being...be it a new found dream, a newly set goal or just a fresh pot of coffee...wrap your head around the idea that good things do come your way sometimes and hang on for dear life...

as for me...i'm awesome...get over it!

this could be anywhere in the world

you're on your way home...or to that place you've called home for a while now...iced coffee at hand...cigarette in the ashtray..and 30 minutes to spare...

pondering upon life and love and a bohemian lifestyle no conclusion was reached...no mind-blowing revelation...just peace and quiet for the first time in ages...

it's time to say your good-byes and get on that train...you'll be forever thankful for those amazing 12 days of complete relaxation and pampering...but now getting back in touch with reality is in order...

sad for what is to be left behind and anxious for what it's yet to come, you take a sip of coffee and force one foot in front of the other as you get on board...

there are no do-overs...no second chances and no what if's...keep your head up high and continue to smile as you face whatever is in store for you...

as for me...i'm fabulous and looking forward to what'll come next...

procrastination and all sorts of issues

sure...it happens to the best of us...always postponing tasks to the point of several sleepless nights to make up for the i'm-not-in-the-mood-right-now phase...

but you wake up in the middle of the night after what seemed like a month of freedom and no worries and start remembering all the things that were left unsolved...they keep hitting you hard over the face...and puff...no sleep...wide awake and half way across the country...you try to calm down the nerves and all the anticipation that builds up to the point that you simply have to get up...and you start pacing...up and down the apartment...that doesn't seem to do the trick...you light up a cigarette and hope for peace of mind...sleep...

as you curl up in bed surrounded in smoke and worries, your mind seems to drift to another place..the place of pixies, unicorns and fucked up relationships...lately the more people you talk to, the more you're under the impression everything is unclear...we're past the typical relationships...there is no more boy meets girl, love, marriage death...it's more along the lines of boy meets girl and girl's best friend and expects a threesome... romance is cliche and, nowadays, making coffee in the morning is considered the ultimate grand gesture...

now you have plenty of options out there...the sweet and thoughtful, the hardcore fetishist...the undecided artist, the loser, the geek, the what-the-fuck-is-he-thinking guy...and in facing those options with all the benefits and risks involved it all comes down to what's easy or what cures the itch...can you have them both all rolled into one?

shook me all night long...

It's one of those monents when you wanna give up, you wanna give in, you want the twisting and turning to end... It's like everywhere you turn the dead-end signs appear outta thin air...and finding yourself at a crossroad once again you're fresh out of options... You don't even try to figure out where you're headed...it's like a sea of uncertainties and you have the amazing gift of picking the shakiest road... Having a dream shattered in a split second..right before your eyes...well it's been cracking and beggining to come loose for a while now... In a forrest of fucking up you go hug the most fucked up tree and keep on trying to fix it...let me know how it went... As for me...you can start counting the fucks i'm about to give...

i can shine even on my own

all you tend to do is break up and make up and give up...then remember you could always hope and dream and give in...

this is not about what the fuck went wrong...this isn't about all those missed opportunities and what could've been...this isn't another attempt for  an excuse...

this is about having the guts to put yourself out there...and let some sun shine on you...sure...it could also be coffee pouring continuously into your cup...or it could be a person you randomly ran into...and since everything happens for a reason there are no random acts of kindness from the Universe...everything happens for a reason...

and when you find yourself chocked with fear...tears running from your eyes, smeared make-up and a weird excitement in the back of your head...what's that? 

you might find every excuse in the world not to do something, go someplace or tell something to someone...but sometimes, once in a blue moon, dreams do happen, you do get lucky and you do win the jackpot...all at once...and for the first time...you feel like a million dollars...your best friend is by your side...holding your hand and being fabulous...

this step you're about to take will take you into an amazing adventure...closer to your hearts desires, to yourself and to feeling...

is this the end of relationships as we know them?

what if relationships simply do not work as we think they do...what if this whole idea of romance and love and falling in and out of love is just another attempt to define a state of the soul?

just think about it...you see people around you, holding hands and you can't help but wonder why at others everything seems easy...why do you, you of all people, have to work really hard to get what you wish for...i mean it's not that much you ask anyways...all you want is what every body else seems to have: love, peace, complicity, understanding....

when it comes down to actually doing it...trying to figure out your boundaries...when you finally completed your safety circle you see it's kind of square and it has dark corners you never predicted...

you go through life trying to label everything and every one...but you can't even seem to put yourself in the right place...and all the wrong choices come from the past to poke you in your calm and, for the moment, satisfied ass...then what??

there is no right path or secret ingredient...as i have come to realize...there is no textbook relationship...how we handle ourselves with the person closest to our soul is our choice alone...it's up to us what a relationship makes...and it's up to you to figure out your deal breaker...

how do you know when enough is enough? why do you want more than that feeling that you have? what is with this constant need of safety and certainty? do we define ourselves or the cravings that linger in the "what if's" ? how do you know you won't have to share and, in the end, what do you actually know?

do you know what you want and exactly how you want it? do you have your whole life set out for yourself? or does yet another relationship gone bad get you even more determined not to give in a single inch...do you actually want a relationship or the feeling?

careful girl cause you might just end up in a relationship with the relationship and your boy sipping another coffee... and you might have to consider your options and get your priorities checked...are you up for everything or something more ?

easy like sunday morning

for the first time there is no heart ache, there are no worries, no what if's, no twisting and turning in your sleep...

for the very first time sleeping in a tiny bed with another person is easy, calm, restful...

for the first time you open up completely in the face of the unexpected chemistry that seems to have appeared out of no where...

for the first time it's natural...and you cannot fake natural...

faced with the unbelievable, the unthinkable, are you up for an exciting adventure?

you dare to put yourself out there...and just as you heard the "i'm not in a relationship place right now" speech one too many times in a short period of time, you get back to basics and to the things that make you who you are...

it's all or nothing, baby...it's always been all or nothing...there were times when you gave in, accepted bits and pieces, took turns and shared...and look where that got you...

this time you raised your head up high and took a stand...not to impress, but to keep yourself from falling apart once again...you could have a fair amount of awesome moments together...but the uncertainty will for sure break you...

it's all or nothing, because anything in between will kill you...you cannot feel half of what you're feeling, you cannot give half of yourself, not even you can do that back and forth dance all over again...

a lot of things were left unspoken and many questiones remain to be asked, but the warm fuzzy feeling of peace and escape into eachother's arms cannot be altered...it's there...it's easy

as for me...for the first time leaving doesn't make me sad...i have something to come back to...for as long as you'll feel free...

and forget about the world

has it ever been as easy as rolling a dice? although every chance is against you...you might get lucky just this once...

always hoping for a better ending to one's story doesn't mean it'll ever get to change...

it's all about the games you get to play...hide and seek, tag: you're it, or baby baby how i like you...

did you ever experience that type of surreal connection while waiting for the dice to decide what'll happen next? that feeling of complete sharing of thoughts, emotions, train of feeling...

it's been a pretty rough patch lately...but somehow it got sewed back together...

as for me...i'm pretty up in the sky...found a way to stop the world from spinning for a perfect second...and the cold after-rain smell reminds me of the coffee in the background...waiting...always...

mercy

what's the deal with all the expectations we have from every thing and every one around us?

sure, the white picket fence doesn't seem so bad right about now...who wouldn't choose certainty over deliberate and constant doubts? it's like knowing the unexpected and unwanted is right around the corner waiting to catch you off guard and you stroll down that dark alley anyway...

what happened to the simpler things in life? when your biggest problem was whether or not to have that 4th coffee...

as people grow into the lives they made for themselves what defines them as individuals? with a series of unfortunate choices behind you, what makes you break the cycle and carry on differently?

maybe what you took for infatuation were just mind-blowing orgasms...maybe he just isn't that much into you and sex was just something you both had to get out of the way before moving on from the ghost of relationships past...

what about the anticipation? that of the first kiss, first touch, first cute little thing he did for you? would he be a good kisser? is there any chemistry? how will it be once you've slept with him?

as scary as it might seem to open up to a new person it's a leap of faith that either you take or you don't...there is no other way, no different shades of gray...but what happens when it's misinterpreted, mistaken for something else? maybe on both sides...

i'm curious which one of you out there have a clue what you're doing when faced with incredible experiences that cannot be anything more than sweet memories of a thing that once happened...

you might tend to act upon impulse and demand explanations, you might even try to fake an entire story, but you won't be able to fake that intensity of what was actually there...

there will be times when you won't know who you are or where you're going or wondering why you've put yourself through some pretty fucked up situations...and it'll be hard as hell to dig deep down and find your true self again...

but in the end...it comes down to those perfect moments when you wake up to a familiar face and a warm feeling of belonging to that second when nothing is wrong and nobody else exists in the world...

as for me...i'm somewhere in between...looking back to what went down and looking forward to the next picture perfect memory...until then...we'll always have coffee

no white flag

One can heal a broken heart, after all, the damage is inside...in the face of fatality what else is there? a pure soul, a glimpse of goodness... a sparkle of hope that maybe...just maybe...you'll survive for this last time...

Giving in to a higher force...accepting the inevitable...coping with what one dares not even think...those are true challenges...

They say that if you love someone, you'll set them free and if they love you too they'll come back...

So this is to hoping until there is no point of return...to loving like never thought possible...and...to accepting what is yet to come...

There won't be any witnesses to your bravery, there might not even be a reward at the end of all this...but ask yourself this: could you live with yourself without doing something about it?

You stand alone,  trying to figure yourself out, fighting the hardest battle...the one with yourself...make sure to choose what is right, instead of the easy way out...keep it together even in your darkest hour...turn to your God and ask him for peace and your battles will seem less difficult...

Don't be a fool, thinking you'll manage on your own...seek guidance, peace, enlightenment...and even you think all is lost...never lose hope...

As for me...there will be no white flag, i will not surrender and i'll be here waiting till the world stops spinning.

come closer...

you can feel his heart beating on the right side of your back...you can't feel your own, but you feel his as yours...with every diastole you gasp for air cuz you're afraid it's gonna stop, but then...it's there...the bum...the pulse..so close...and so deep inside you...you don't even dare to breathe so you won't miss a beat...it's like the whole excitement in the world resides in this heart...so close...

it's like it's telling a wordless story of how you should tune in for the next beat, and the one after, until the end of time...then...the rhythm changes and it feels like a pat on the back, a constant reminder you're not alone and you don't need labels...the world outside of his arms doesn't exist...and you don't need it to...as long as you have everything that you need trapped in a heartbeat...

as for me...i'm turning soft...so i thought this piece of writing should get you through this rainy day...grab another cup of coffee...oh...and this one...share it with...[fill in the blanks ;)]

why does my heart feel this way?

have you ever felt like there is no feeling in the world to mask the emptiness in your soul? that heart stopping panic that keeps you from breathing...it's like if you move, your whole world'll end...but what do you do with the voice inside your head telling you to take that extra step?

it has always been about doing or not doing something...and you could find hundreds, even thousands of motivational quotes about putting yourself out there...but this is no standard text book approach..what do you do? your life seems a huge chain of irregular events...and no where in the course of history such events were ever described...it's the human infatuation...the egocentric concept that your life is different..that what you're going through is unique and harder than anything anyone has ever had to go through before...

how do you cope with your current state of nowhereness? still...you are somewhere...in an unknown place...dealing with...or at least starting to comprehend...what the fuck is going on in your life...what you once took for love was mere desire, craving, need...and now...now that you have it in front of you...within touching distance...you take baby steps in order not to scare it away...

try to keep a clear, clean, honest heart...and...for just this once...use your instincts for something other than burning down bridges...they might shed a bigger light, but they sure as hell will narrow down the big picture...

now...it's almost a quarter after one and i need you right now

if tomorrow never comes

there comes a moment when everything revolves around the decisions you have to make...whom to date, what to do with your life, how to change what doesn't feel right...

you wonder where to begin, and where to go from here, you tend to postpone making a decision thinking it'll be easier to choose later...

what if later never happens, what if you don't wake up tomorrow and you never get the chance to live how you always imagined yourself living, what if what you took for granted was gone tomorrow and you don't have the chance to properly enjoy it?

you have to stop procrastinating and get down to business...stop wondering and do...change your job, get out of that future-less relationship, start living your dream!

as for me...i'm finally there...so hold on tight boys and girls, cuz i'm going to conquer the world 

should i stay or should i go?

it's surprising how low and down one can feel at times...it's like there's a storm inside but there's no alarm button to press...

it all begins with you twisting and turning inside your head trying to find a cause to your restlesness...the digger you try to dig, the harder the surface you're scratching on...

it's a unique blend of despair, seasoned with a pinch of panic and a touch of excitement...yes...excitement...because you never know what'll come out of this...at first you don't know what to make of it...the whole not-knowing-what-the-fuck's-worng-with-you part turns into a quest of analyzing yourself to the core...breaking your every thought into pieces and then flipping it on every side...

then...after giving up and finally deciding to give it a rest...somehing happens...and, usually, the most unexpected things happen in situations like these...the "i-can't-believe-how-this-turned-out" phase is where the excitement from the prior step finds its ending...then...you tend to repeat the first step...because once again, you don't know what's wrong with you, you don't know what to do with what just happened...you don't dare to open your eyes...

as for me..i'm somewhere in between...