maybe i don't wanna be a shoe...

Did you ever get that feeling that totally froze you up inside? the stupid feeling of anxiety up to the point you'd rather smash your head against the wall than do a certain thing?

and you did it anyway...it was just like ripping off a band-aid...quick and painstabbing...

you got your ass on that train...went to a certain place you might call home...usual faces...same blinding lights...same feeling...good old friends...same beer...coffee...lots of coffee...

and you go out and try to have fun...and you finally get what you'd wished for...only it came too goddamn late...

then life takes you by surprise...and you go to places you've never seen before...new people but still only one...the one?? who knows...and you discover new sides to the same story...different versions of your same-old life...different feelings from within...

it's a trip...what can i say?... and you sit and wonder how did you get so lucky as all this things come your way...

well...good things come to those who make'em happen...and, as a dear and close person once said...

the hardest think you have to do is taking that first step, after that...the rest will follow....

and it does...with each day changing, renewing itself, growing...

does it remind you?

you feel it's gonna last forever, and forever you shall bear it with you...the noise, the music, the mood you were in, the dress she was wearing, her perfume...

let it sink it...but it already has...you can feel it in every cell of your body...the thrill..the excitement..the whole"i-don't-know-what-to-do-with-what-is-happening-to-me"...

you're out of breath...no air seems to enter your body...the only thing you can cope with is that, what seemed like forever, moment that you stared into each others eyes...

one look, one word, one touch, one feeling...a single chance...but you were just a too big of a fuckin' coward to do something about it...and now...NOTHING...

nothing to see, nothing to feel, nothing to hold you tight, nothing you can take with you when you go to bed...

but the sensation of what you have passed by lingers...and all these doubts form themselves in your head...making you analyze every single little detail of what could've happened if you had the balls to do something about it...

now open your eyes...see...someone is out there...someone gives a damn...but is it the one you want?

it's not a habbit...it's cool

you just have to get yourself together cause you're starting to lose it...

deep breath...that's right...in and out...

one can never have too much, love too much and get hurt enough... that's why people keep on trying to make it work...keep on hoping...keep on loving...

but sometimes you get to the point when you start to ask yourself whether it's worth to even bother...you know you've put yourself out there one too many times...you tried to make everything ok...to make things work...you gave the best of you...and from that point on all you can do is wait for life to follow it's course...it can only go two ways...


1. you can get hurt once more...and then you start to blame everything and everyone around you for what went wrong...you try to find a reason for what has happened to you once more...you ask yourself stuff like:

• why only bad things come your way...
• why bad things come only your way...
• how will you manage to survive...
• when will it all end...
• how will it end...
• should you end it right here, right now...

OR

2.you find that thing that truly makes you happy...you feel that everything you've worked for is finally paying off...and everything you hoped for is coming true...but, since you're only human, you start to wonder stuff like:

• what did you do to deserve this...
  
• why did this happen to you...
• how long will it last...
• is it really true...
• is it really happening to you...
• what are you going to do once it's over...

don't worry...the first version usually happens, so you'll be ok just bitching about what's wrong in your life and saying to anyone willing to listen how big of a victim you are...

and if the second version happens you will be too busy wondering what will you do if it were to end, instead of just enjoying it...because you're too big of a stupid, conceited, self-conscious asshole to realize that you're happy for once, and you'll manage to get out of it soon enough...

so, either way, whether you get your way with it or not, you can bitch about what an unhappy and unlucky poor loser you are...

this takes me to what George Bernard Shaw once said: "There are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart's desire and the other is to get it."

so sleep on it...or you might just as well fuck it...

it's cool...i feel alright

heart broken
heart bend
heart split into two

have you ever felt soooo much, and yet not enough for one person?

have you ever loved so much it hurts? but not only one person...not only one dream...not only an idea....

because there's sooo much more out there...more than you...more than you can cope with...more than you can imagine...more than you can understand...

mixed signals...mixed feelings...mixed expressions...mixed up story in a fucked up version of what you wish you would be...

and you hope and you long for that feeling that fills your heart, mind and soul till the point you think you're about to burst if it stays with you...you crave for happiness...

BUT...guess what....you're searching for fulfillment in all the wrong places...

go deep inside your biggest fear...sink into the horrors of what may come your way if the worst were to happen...

then come back to the reality surrounding you...and enjoy...you're life doesn't completely suck after all...

find that thing that keeps you going through the day...find that place inside you where it's worm and cozy and stop blaming everyone around you for what seems to be a mess...

it's a chaotic order out there...all you need is the right pair of glasses and a big enough cup of coffee in the morning to see the order unravel in front of you

open your eyes....

i'm happy you're happy i'm happy...

...and we're all a big fuckin' happy family


you never know where it's gonna hit you next...this is for those i care about and whom i want to help and be there for...

it might seem like this night'll never go away...but it will...and tomorrow we'll laugh about it...together...i'm here...for as long as i feel i have to...you CAN lean on me...

if you ever need someone to talk to...or someone who'll just do nothing with you...or someone to listen to the void around you with...

this one's for you...cuz you got under my skin...and i dare to take a chance with you...

keep your head way up high...and i'll be there to cry with you if you don't wanna be an emo

smile...there's a new day ahead...right after this night'll drift into the past...

Pretend by Saturnus

Here strolls the blackened sky

With me, myself and I



Let's pretend well meet again

Pretend you knew me

Pretend you cared

Lets pretend we once kissed

With compassion

With heartfelt affection



Let's pretend well meet again

Let's just, lets just pretend

Pretend you're still... you're still my friend



Let's pretend well meet again

Pretend you knew me

Pretend you cared

Let's pretend we once kissed

With compassion


[just a little song i came across]

Esti sigur?

esti satul de tot si de toate...te intrebi de unde dracu sa le iei pe toate, cum s-o iei de la capat, de unde sa incepi...si incepi sa-ti cauti motive pentru care sa amani inevitabilul...clipa in care chiar trebuie sa te apuci sa faci ceva...orice...numa sa nu mai stai aiurea...

si iti iei avant...si te apuci...dupa juma de ora faci o pauza de o tigara, ca doar...deh...ai muncit atat...dup-aia te mai intinzi la o poveste...mai dai 3 mesaje si 4 telefoane...si au trecut deja 3 ore...

continui sa pierzi vremea...sa nu faci nimic util...sa te uiti in gol si sa speri ca se va rezolva de la sine...

e dovedit stiintific faptul ca un rau nu vine fara companie...asa ca in momentul in care tocmai te-ai pus pe treaba incepi sa constientizezi durerea de spate, de gat, de tot...

si te apuca o sila de tot ce trebuie sa faci...si iti vine sa lasi tot si sa faci orice altceva, numai ce trebuie nu...de ce? pentru ca poti...

te trezesti dupa o saptamana de genu asta ca n-ai facut nimic, timpul a trecut, si parca nici nu stii cand dead-line-u de peste o luna e maine...intrii in priza...si incepi sa te agiti, sa dregi busuiocu pe ultima suta...deh...fire de student inventiv si care rezista sub stress...o sa poti...o sa reusesti...te prinde dimineata...cu a nu-stiu-cata cafea sub nas, cu ochii inrositi de vasele de sange ce au cazut prada oboselii...dar nu si tu!!! tu inca poti...inca putin...atat de putin...

[acum vroiam sa inchei tragic, cu tine cu capul pe birou/masa de lucru/tastatura, dar NU

refuz sa fiu pesimista macar in post-u asta...]

inca putin...pui ultimele puncte pe i, tragi linie si aduni...

esti cine vrei sa fii? esti pe drumul tau sau traiesti o viata trasata de altii? dead-line-ul se apropie cu fiecare secunda irosita, si partea proasta e ca nu stii pe cand ai de prezentat proiectul vietii tale... asa ca mai stai inca sa o arzi aiurea?

note to self...

lasa trecutul acolo unde ii e locul...in amintiri...nu zice nimeni sa uiti...sa le incui undeva in adancul fiintei tale...pentru ca daca o sa faci asta...o sa gaseasca un mod de a iesi la suprafata si sa te roada...

fii prezent in fiecare clipa, si lasa la o parte atat trecutul cat si viitorul, pentru ca doar acea clipa te desparte de ambele ipostaze...

to be continued...

Now this is what we all need during finals :D

How many times have you begun to study for an exam and after 30 minutes get distracted and move on to doing something else, and at the end you are left with no other choice but to stay up all night studying for that final at 8:00 am? Well, Study Ball is here to solve the problem.

The Study Ball gadget is a prison-style ball and chain that you can program to keep track of how much time you spend studying. Once you’ve selected the desired duration, you chain the ball to your ankle and the manacle won’t come off until the schedule study time is up.
A red LED indicator displays the “Study Time Left“ and keeps you informed as to how much longer you’ve got to keep studying. The ball and chain are made of highly durable steel and weighs a total of 9.5 kg / 20.95 pounds, which makes it difficult to move while wearing it.

For safety, the Study Ball cannot be programmed for more than 4 hours. Minors should not use it unless supervised by an adult. It comes with a safety key for emergency deactivation.

© http://www.neatorama.com/2009/05/17/study-ball-makes-sure-you-study/

Simply sick

i'm like sooooooo sick of all the stupid games that are being played...i'm sick of myself because i have to play them...

i'm sick of all the times i try to do something for myself and never get the chance to do that...

i'm sick of all the people i meet...because they don't give a fuck and i sure as hell don't either...

i'm sick from not sleeping enough...and from too much caffeine...

i'm sick and disgusted and disappointed of everything lately...

i'm sick and tired of beeing love sick...with no one to love...

and no....i DO NOT, i repeat I DO NOT give a fuck about how you feel

Vid

esti acolo...si...nicaieri...nothing seems like...home...

iesi...te plimbi...mori de cald, de plictiseala...si...incerci sa iesi din tine...sa te duci iar in locul in care totul e ok, in care te gasesti...te regasesti...te pierzi...ca sa uiti de tine...de griji...de caldura si plictiseala...

dar nu...nu-ti iese nicicum...nu poti...nu ai cum...nu ai unde...vrei sa fugi...dar nu e nici un drum inainte...aleea trecutului se-nchide strans in urma ta si iti pierzi si dreptul la amintiri...nu te lasi sa stii, sa simti, sa vrei sa simti iar...

dai de un vid abisal...de o tacere asurzitoare...nu-ti ramane nici macar indoiala...nu te gandesti la ce ar fi putut fi...la cum ar fi fost daca....

doar scantei...scantei din ceea ce ai fost si din tot ce ai trait...nu-ti mai e permis sa te gandesti prea mult la ce a fost...dar, in acelasi timp, nu te lasa-n pace...

si vezi tot, ca printr-o felie de cascaval prea putin gaurit...si vezi tot...si nu e destul

cand ajunge trecutul sa fie destul?
cand se transforma totul in prea mult, dar nu suficient?
cand?

Me, myself and...I

I am... one in a million...[no...really...i am...proven scientifically :P]
I think... about every single little thing that crosses my mind...
I know... that you can never be sure of anything
I want... to be better than great
I have...huge dreams and expectations
I wish... i'd have enough time
I hate... snakes, carrots, waking up early
I miss... all the people who are no longer around
I fear... waking up one day to an empty world
I hear... the sound of life just happening everywhere around me
I smell... coffee...lots and lots of coffee
I search... answers and challenges
I wonder... how it would've been like if i were a man
I regret...NOTHING...live with no excuses, love with no regrets
I love... the idea of love
I care... about my friends and family...and about cute white polar bears :P
I always... act on impulse
I am not... interested in what others think about me
I believe... i can do whatever i want
I dance... in the rain, in the middle of the street, late at night
I sing... in private...for obvious reasons :P
I don't... take anything for granted
I write... when i'm angry, or in love, or whenever i feel the urge to do so
I win... when i smile
I lose... with my head up high, but, in the same time, thinking what had gone wrong
I dislike... people who are always late to a meeting/date/get together
I never... listen when i think i know what's best
I listen... to my friend's advices, even though i don't always apply them
I can usually be found... over the phone...in a coffee shop...out with my friends
I am scared... of heights
I read... between the lines...sometimes too much, i think...
I am happy about... every single little thing that comes my way
I dare... to put myself out there
I hope...for the best, when that's possible
I notice... small details
I clean... up my own mess
I express... part of my feelings through writing
I talk... to lots of people about whatever comes to mind
I go... out there and get whatever i want
I drive... everyone around me crazy if i don't get my way with something
I watch... all kind of teen movies :P
I dream...every time i fall asleep...and every waking second
I need... my close and good friend Teo by my side
I haven't... jumped off a cliff...yet...
I tell...people to take it one step at a time
I pick... on people in order to protect myself
I find... everything around me fascinating
I run... through my mind all the time, trying to analise everything
I quit... playing games with myself
I jump... to conclusions
I learn... how to keep cool...
I play... by my rules
I own... my thoughts and beliefs
I make... my own way through life
I live... life to it's fullest and then beyond
I bring... a touch of insanity in the lives of my loved ones
I open... myself in a heartbeat if i think it's worth it
I will... always follow my instincts
I suppose... there's always room for improvement
I vote...because i have the right to do so
I buy... chocolate, coffee, coca-cola, cigarettes, clothes, presents
I fold...paper cranes
I stand... up for what i believe in and for my friends
I can... do anything i set my mind to
I wear... my clothes, not the other way around
I smile... when i'm angry, i cheat and i lie:P
I cry... when no one can see me
I pray... all the time for my loved ones
I make... myself heard
I like... to take some time off and enjoy a good book once in a while
I move... back and forth between ideas
I swear... too goddamn much :D
I try... to be less impulsive
I draw... an impression of the world with my own tools
I expect... NOTHING in order to get everything i could ever think of
I work... hard and give my best to do things right
I admire... people who take chances, who put themselves out there and dare to make a difference
I adore... watching my little brother sleep
I fantasize... about the purest idea of love
I look... forward to see what's next
I cherish... my memories, my friends, my family
I appreciate... people for being there in times of need...
I treasure... everything that came my way
I could... go on and on talking about myself if i get the right vibe from the person next to me

So...this is what?

what happens if you put yourself out there...expecting nothing...feeling like nothing could touch or impress you...like you know there's gotta be something more to life than this, but you can't just seen to figure out exactly what...like you're living it...i mean IT!!!...what you only see in movies...but...sadly...you stand back and watch your whole life like a movie...all your memories...all your feelings...not yours anymore...like they never seemed to be in the first place...

flashbacks...bet you get that all the time lately...like there is no present...and no past...just pictures in your head..like everything is made-believe...voices...oh so distant voices...feelings...a certain smell you can't quite remember where you know it from...rushes to do..and live...and let yourself feel...but you don't seem to dare...cuz nothing can move you right about now...

and you try to have fun...you actually ARE enjoying the moment...every second of every step you take...the smell of coffee...the smell of your perfume...the smell of the crowded and never ending streets...but you can hardly smell life...passing you by...and, every once in a while, giving you the chance to peep to what seems to be your life taking place without you even noticing...

i tell you to be strong!!!get your ass out there and do something for a change...make sure YOU write the script to your life...make each and every one around you act on your words...make them feel like they're taking part in your play...get involved...be present in your own life...do not...i repeat....DO NOT cut your life into pieces...do not even think about giving in...

mkay...school's over...go play...

love, actually...

after a long talk about friends, boyfriends, experiences, life in general and everything in particular, a friend of mine asked me "why does everything have to be about love?why is everybody searching for it?"...

well...i guess the answer lies, not in front of us, but inside!

love is the ultimate thing you can achieve...mkay...maybe achieve isn't the right word...let's leave it at love is the ultimate thing...

love is the only thing we cannot have by ourselves...you can't just love yourself, you can't make love to yourself [that's called masturbation ;) ]...and it is the most real, yet uncertain thing in the world...it hurts, and aches, and pleasures you deeply, but you feel it...you can never know for sure, as in 100% what you feel/want/need/hate...an sure as hell you can never know if/how much/for how long you love someone...and the cruel part is that even though you can't be sure, you demand an exact answer from your significant other..they don't know either!!!!

stop expecting things and make'em happen!!!!

it's all about love
and
love is all you need


so what are you waiting for?!?! get out there and....

it's a boy-girl thing

you try...you give your best and expect everything...you hope for the stars and get only dust...

it's a known fact that, when in a relationship, one persone loves more and the other one recieves more...but what happens if you find yourself having all the love sucked dry out of you? what happens if you wake up one morning to nothing to impress you anymore?

imagine...
you simply wake up...take a sip of coffee and a long look in the mirror...and you start getting ready for whatever it is you have to do that day...than...it happens...something you have long wanted to happen but gave up any hope it will actually happen...sure...it makes you feel good...important...it even makes your day for a couple of moments...then you start reviewing what just happened...sure...you could've handled things differently...or you could've ignored it all together...anyhow...the point is...that just for a second...you feel it's gonna happen again...


you start thinking ahead, making plans, taking chances all over again...wishing, hoping and praying for the best...everything in your head...happening sooooo god damn fast


PAUSE!!!

[take deep breath...think it over...stop second-guessing yourself]

Resume

no matter how hard you try you can't make it work all by yourself...so...stand up straight...aim...FIRE...no what if's...no maybe's...no nothing!!!

you are better off alone than being the person who ends up losing at the end of the day...

STOP

as for me...well...i'm moving on...head-first into the wall of life...taking chances and not giving a damn...untill there's nothing more to give, nothing else to lose, no one left to love...

de ce? PENTRU CA POT!!!

coffee spice and nothing but ice

you try and you try...and you cannot seem to fill that void surrounding you...
you go out, you drink your 2nd coffee for the day...the day seems to drift further and further away from you...
you start drinking beer...lots and lots of beer...same faces, different talks...you find yourself smiling with no reason what so ever...

next day...morning...coffee...more coffee...afternoon...same old beer...friends...night out...home

repeat...

next please...

do you ever feel like you've got to the point that nothing could get to you...like in a series of unfortunate events...one messier than the other...

just live...live whatever might come your way because there's no chance in hell you could change the course of bad things about to happen...as a matter of fact...you only tend to make things worse...

take a step back...and look around you...is it worth it to even bother searching for the future??

inhale...exhale...it's ok...enjoy the ride

Chimie analitica 101

Daca totul ar fi atat de simplu ca o problema de chimie analitica...scrii reactia...vezi ce iese...cat intra...cat se consuma...raport echimolar...fiecare da raportat la cat da celalalt...tragi linie si ajungi la echilibru...de aici pana la finalul problemei mai ai apar cateva cerinte de rezolvat, toate avand legatura cu reactia initiala, revii mereu la ce intra, cat reactioneaza si ce ramane


EA + EL --> RESPONSABILITATI + DREPTURI

i: toata tot --> - -





r: amandoi in totalitate --> 1 1



e: - - --> "NOI"



Etape de rezolvare:
-initial trebuie sa fie dispusi sa se implice total
-in reactie, fiind raport de 1:1, sa se consume tot, pt ca grijile, responsabilitatile si drepturile sa fie tot in raport de 1:1
-la echilibru se observa ca nu mai exista nimic din ce-a intrat, pt ca se consuma tot, astfel incat 2 devine 1, totul se imparte la 2, iar cei doi devin un tot

totul e atat de simplu pe hartie...but maybe, just maybe i've learned too much in chemistry...



[NU]

Entry for September 01, 2007

George Bernard Shaw once said:"There are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it." tragedy is all around us, not to bring us down but to make us realize that there's something more out there, something worth pursuing, worth fighting for...so...the next time you're feeling down, like there's nothing more to do, nothing more to say, nothing else left, just think of it as the lowest stage you could reach and start climbing your way to the top...

everyone searches for something...i guess what i wished for,ever since i could remember, is love...i had the opportunity to experience it in its different shapes and sizes...i wished to feel that love that would make my heart brake if it were to end...it ended...but just living it...acknowledging its presence and power...feeling my soul as a half to a greater whole...just knowing it exists...

i got what i wished for...and, once it was over, it hurt like hell...i'd do it all over again without changing a thing...if this is tragedy...then give me all you've got!

[NU]

i fight when i'm down, i scream and i try...

ti se intampla la un moment dat sa ajungi in locu ala, atat de intunecat, atat de ascuns de umanitate, unde parca tu te-ai plasat si te-ai uitat acolo...bun, ajungi acolo si ce faci? te multumesti cu fire de lumina din tavanul vietii??? sau...maybe, just maybe....

SAU iti dai seama odata pentru totdeauna ca nu ai cum sa cazi mai mult de-atat, k it's as dark as it gets, si sa incepi sa te ridici...one day at a time...


sau...alt moment...momentul in care-ti dai seama ca e o faza doar de moment, oricat de incredibila ti s-ar parea...da...ti se intampla chiar tie, chiar acum, si o sa treaca pe langa tine, idiotule, daca nu te bucuri de ea si daca o sa-ti zboare gandu in continuare la viitor, la accel nenorocit "cum o sa fie"...daca o tii tot asa o sa te transformi in persoana "cum ar fi fost daca"...is that what you want, or do you wanna feel it??

LIVE!!! not in the past, not waiting for the future... just live...right here and, especially, right NOW!!

live like there's no tomorrow...i've always guided my actions on the expression live with no excuses and love with no regrets and yeah...sure...i got down on my knees, i crumbled in bed late at night, i twisted and turned in doubt, i just sat there feeling enormous amounts of dispair, having the air sucked out of my lungs into the nothingness that surrounded me

BUT i've loved, i've always loved, truly, madly, deeply...even though it lasted a minute, 2 days, an year, a couple of months or a week-end...i'd do it all over again, i'd face the afterwards solitude with my head held up high, telling to myself it's the worst it can get and that it's only gonna get better from now on...

I've learned to live the "what's-happening-right-now" instead of the "what-it-could've-been-like..." or "what will happen if..."

and so i do...every second of every kiss, of every touch, of everything about YOU

[NU]