this could be anywhere in the world

you're on your way home...or to that place you've called home for a while now...iced coffee at hand...cigarette in the ashtray..and 30 minutes to spare...

pondering upon life and love and a bohemian lifestyle no conclusion was reached...no mind-blowing revelation...just peace and quiet for the first time in ages...

it's time to say your good-byes and get on that train...you'll be forever thankful for those amazing 12 days of complete relaxation and pampering...but now getting back in touch with reality is in order...

sad for what is to be left behind and anxious for what it's yet to come, you take a sip of coffee and force one foot in front of the other as you get on board...

there are no do-overs...no second chances and no what if's...keep your head up high and continue to smile as you face whatever is in store for you...

as for me...i'm fabulous and looking forward to what'll come next...

procrastination and all sorts of issues

sure...it happens to the best of us...always postponing tasks to the point of several sleepless nights to make up for the i'm-not-in-the-mood-right-now phase...

but you wake up in the middle of the night after what seemed like a month of freedom and no worries and start remembering all the things that were left unsolved...they keep hitting you hard over the face...and puff...no sleep...wide awake and half way across the country...you try to calm down the nerves and all the anticipation that builds up to the point that you simply have to get up...and you start pacing...up and down the apartment...that doesn't seem to do the trick...you light up a cigarette and hope for peace of mind...sleep...

as you curl up in bed surrounded in smoke and worries, your mind seems to drift to another place..the place of pixies, unicorns and fucked up relationships...lately the more people you talk to, the more you're under the impression everything is unclear...we're past the typical relationships...there is no more boy meets girl, love, marriage death...it's more along the lines of boy meets girl and girl's best friend and expects a threesome... romance is cliche and, nowadays, making coffee in the morning is considered the ultimate grand gesture...

now you have plenty of options out there...the sweet and thoughtful, the hardcore fetishist...the undecided artist, the loser, the geek, the what-the-fuck-is-he-thinking guy...and in facing those options with all the benefits and risks involved it all comes down to what's easy or what cures the itch...can you have them both all rolled into one?

shook me all night long...

It's one of those monents when you wanna give up, you wanna give in, you want the twisting and turning to end... It's like everywhere you turn the dead-end signs appear outta thin air...and finding yourself at a crossroad once again you're fresh out of options... You don't even try to figure out where you're headed...it's like a sea of uncertainties and you have the amazing gift of picking the shakiest road... Having a dream shattered in a split second..right before your eyes...well it's been cracking and beggining to come loose for a while now... In a forrest of fucking up you go hug the most fucked up tree and keep on trying to fix it...let me know how it went... As for me...you can start counting the fucks i'm about to give...

i can shine even on my own

all you tend to do is break up and make up and give up...then remember you could always hope and dream and give in...

this is not about what the fuck went wrong...this isn't about all those missed opportunities and what could've been...this isn't another attempt for  an excuse...

this is about having the guts to put yourself out there...and let some sun shine on you...sure...it could also be coffee pouring continuously into your cup...or it could be a person you randomly ran into...and since everything happens for a reason there are no random acts of kindness from the Universe...everything happens for a reason...

and when you find yourself chocked with fear...tears running from your eyes, smeared make-up and a weird excitement in the back of your head...what's that? 

you might find every excuse in the world not to do something, go someplace or tell something to someone...but sometimes, once in a blue moon, dreams do happen, you do get lucky and you do win the jackpot...all at once...and for the first time...you feel like a million dollars...your best friend is by your side...holding your hand and being fabulous...

this step you're about to take will take you into an amazing adventure...closer to your hearts desires, to yourself and to feeling...

is this the end of relationships as we know them?

what if relationships simply do not work as we think they do...what if this whole idea of romance and love and falling in and out of love is just another attempt to define a state of the soul?

just think about it...you see people around you, holding hands and you can't help but wonder why at others everything seems easy...why do you, you of all people, have to work really hard to get what you wish for...i mean it's not that much you ask anyways...all you want is what every body else seems to have: love, peace, complicity, understanding....

when it comes down to actually doing it...trying to figure out your boundaries...when you finally completed your safety circle you see it's kind of square and it has dark corners you never predicted...

you go through life trying to label everything and every one...but you can't even seem to put yourself in the right place...and all the wrong choices come from the past to poke you in your calm and, for the moment, satisfied ass...then what??

there is no right path or secret ingredient...as i have come to realize...there is no textbook relationship...how we handle ourselves with the person closest to our soul is our choice alone...it's up to us what a relationship makes...and it's up to you to figure out your deal breaker...

how do you know when enough is enough? why do you want more than that feeling that you have? what is with this constant need of safety and certainty? do we define ourselves or the cravings that linger in the "what if's" ? how do you know you won't have to share and, in the end, what do you actually know?

do you know what you want and exactly how you want it? do you have your whole life set out for yourself? or does yet another relationship gone bad get you even more determined not to give in a single inch...do you actually want a relationship or the feeling?

careful girl cause you might just end up in a relationship with the relationship and your boy sipping another coffee... and you might have to consider your options and get your priorities checked...are you up for everything or something more ?

easy like sunday morning

for the first time there is no heart ache, there are no worries, no what if's, no twisting and turning in your sleep...

for the very first time sleeping in a tiny bed with another person is easy, calm, restful...

for the first time you open up completely in the face of the unexpected chemistry that seems to have appeared out of no where...

for the first time it's natural...and you cannot fake natural...

faced with the unbelievable, the unthinkable, are you up for an exciting adventure?

you dare to put yourself out there...and just as you heard the "i'm not in a relationship place right now" speech one too many times in a short period of time, you get back to basics and to the things that make you who you are...

it's all or nothing, baby...it's always been all or nothing...there were times when you gave in, accepted bits and pieces, took turns and shared...and look where that got you...

this time you raised your head up high and took a stand...not to impress, but to keep yourself from falling apart once again...you could have a fair amount of awesome moments together...but the uncertainty will for sure break you...

it's all or nothing, because anything in between will kill you...you cannot feel half of what you're feeling, you cannot give half of yourself, not even you can do that back and forth dance all over again...

a lot of things were left unspoken and many questiones remain to be asked, but the warm fuzzy feeling of peace and escape into eachother's arms cannot be altered...it's there...it's easy

as for me...for the first time leaving doesn't make me sad...i have something to come back to...for as long as you'll feel free...

and forget about the world

has it ever been as easy as rolling a dice? although every chance is against you...you might get lucky just this once...

always hoping for a better ending to one's story doesn't mean it'll ever get to change...

it's all about the games you get to play...hide and seek, tag: you're it, or baby baby how i like you...

did you ever experience that type of surreal connection while waiting for the dice to decide what'll happen next? that feeling of complete sharing of thoughts, emotions, train of feeling...

it's been a pretty rough patch lately...but somehow it got sewed back together...

as for me...i'm pretty up in the sky...found a way to stop the world from spinning for a perfect second...and the cold after-rain smell reminds me of the coffee in the background...waiting...always...

mercy

what's the deal with all the expectations we have from every thing and every one around us?

sure, the white picket fence doesn't seem so bad right about now...who wouldn't choose certainty over deliberate and constant doubts? it's like knowing the unexpected and unwanted is right around the corner waiting to catch you off guard and you stroll down that dark alley anyway...

what happened to the simpler things in life? when your biggest problem was whether or not to have that 4th coffee...

as people grow into the lives they made for themselves what defines them as individuals? with a series of unfortunate choices behind you, what makes you break the cycle and carry on differently?

maybe what you took for infatuation were just mind-blowing orgasms...maybe he just isn't that much into you and sex was just something you both had to get out of the way before moving on from the ghost of relationships past...

what about the anticipation? that of the first kiss, first touch, first cute little thing he did for you? would he be a good kisser? is there any chemistry? how will it be once you've slept with him?

as scary as it might seem to open up to a new person it's a leap of faith that either you take or you don't...there is no other way, no different shades of gray...but what happens when it's misinterpreted, mistaken for something else? maybe on both sides...

i'm curious which one of you out there have a clue what you're doing when faced with incredible experiences that cannot be anything more than sweet memories of a thing that once happened...

you might tend to act upon impulse and demand explanations, you might even try to fake an entire story, but you won't be able to fake that intensity of what was actually there...

there will be times when you won't know who you are or where you're going or wondering why you've put yourself through some pretty fucked up situations...and it'll be hard as hell to dig deep down and find your true self again...

but in the end...it comes down to those perfect moments when you wake up to a familiar face and a warm feeling of belonging to that second when nothing is wrong and nobody else exists in the world...

as for me...i'm somewhere in between...looking back to what went down and looking forward to the next picture perfect memory...until then...we'll always have coffee

no white flag

One can heal a broken heart, after all, the damage is inside...in the face of fatality what else is there? a pure soul, a glimpse of goodness... a sparkle of hope that maybe...just maybe...you'll survive for this last time...

Giving in to a higher force...accepting the inevitable...coping with what one dares not even think...those are true challenges...

They say that if you love someone, you'll set them free and if they love you too they'll come back...

So this is to hoping until there is no point of return...to loving like never thought possible...and...to accepting what is yet to come...

There won't be any witnesses to your bravery, there might not even be a reward at the end of all this...but ask yourself this: could you live with yourself without doing something about it?

You stand alone,  trying to figure yourself out, fighting the hardest battle...the one with yourself...make sure to choose what is right, instead of the easy way out...keep it together even in your darkest hour...turn to your God and ask him for peace and your battles will seem less difficult...

Don't be a fool, thinking you'll manage on your own...seek guidance, peace, enlightenment...and even you think all is lost...never lose hope...

As for me...there will be no white flag, i will not surrender and i'll be here waiting till the world stops spinning.

come closer...

you can feel his heart beating on the right side of your back...you can't feel your own, but you feel his as yours...with every diastole you gasp for air cuz you're afraid it's gonna stop, but then...it's there...the bum...the pulse..so close...and so deep inside you...you don't even dare to breathe so you won't miss a beat...it's like the whole excitement in the world resides in this heart...so close...

it's like it's telling a wordless story of how you should tune in for the next beat, and the one after, until the end of time...then...the rhythm changes and it feels like a pat on the back, a constant reminder you're not alone and you don't need labels...the world outside of his arms doesn't exist...and you don't need it to...as long as you have everything that you need trapped in a heartbeat...

as for me...i'm turning soft...so i thought this piece of writing should get you through this rainy day...grab another cup of coffee...oh...and this one...share it with...[fill in the blanks ;)]

why does my heart feel this way?

have you ever felt like there is no feeling in the world to mask the emptiness in your soul? that heart stopping panic that keeps you from breathing...it's like if you move, your whole world'll end...but what do you do with the voice inside your head telling you to take that extra step?

it has always been about doing or not doing something...and you could find hundreds, even thousands of motivational quotes about putting yourself out there...but this is no standard text book approach..what do you do? your life seems a huge chain of irregular events...and no where in the course of history such events were ever described...it's the human infatuation...the egocentric concept that your life is different..that what you're going through is unique and harder than anything anyone has ever had to go through before...

how do you cope with your current state of nowhereness? still...you are somewhere...in an unknown place...dealing with...or at least starting to comprehend...what the fuck is going on in your life...what you once took for love was mere desire, craving, need...and now...now that you have it in front of you...within touching distance...you take baby steps in order not to scare it away...

try to keep a clear, clean, honest heart...and...for just this once...use your instincts for something other than burning down bridges...they might shed a bigger light, but they sure as hell will narrow down the big picture...

now...it's almost a quarter after one and i need you right now

if tomorrow never comes

there comes a moment when everything revolves around the decisions you have to make...whom to date, what to do with your life, how to change what doesn't feel right...

you wonder where to begin, and where to go from here, you tend to postpone making a decision thinking it'll be easier to choose later...

what if later never happens, what if you don't wake up tomorrow and you never get the chance to live how you always imagined yourself living, what if what you took for granted was gone tomorrow and you don't have the chance to properly enjoy it?

you have to stop procrastinating and get down to business...stop wondering and do...change your job, get out of that future-less relationship, start living your dream!

as for me...i'm finally there...so hold on tight boys and girls, cuz i'm going to conquer the world 

should i stay or should i go?

it's surprising how low and down one can feel at times...it's like there's a storm inside but there's no alarm button to press...

it all begins with you twisting and turning inside your head trying to find a cause to your restlesness...the digger you try to dig, the harder the surface you're scratching on...

it's a unique blend of despair, seasoned with a pinch of panic and a touch of excitement...yes...excitement...because you never know what'll come out of this...at first you don't know what to make of it...the whole not-knowing-what-the-fuck's-worng-with-you part turns into a quest of analyzing yourself to the core...breaking your every thought into pieces and then flipping it on every side...

then...after giving up and finally deciding to give it a rest...somehing happens...and, usually, the most unexpected things happen in situations like these...the "i-can't-believe-how-this-turned-out" phase is where the excitement from the prior step finds its ending...then...you tend to repeat the first step...because once again, you don't know what's wrong with you, you don't know what to do with what just happened...you don't dare to open your eyes...

as for me..i'm somewhere in between...

i hope you like dreaming

there comes a moment when you realize there is no happily ever after...no matter how much you dreamed of it and wished for it to exist...there are, though, happily ever after moments...those moments when you feel like anything is possible and you're unbreakable...

but what do you do when that moment fades away into sweet oblivion and the only thing you have to wake up to is the empty reality of tomorrow?

your ideal world, where you'd somehow manage to be happy falls apart in a second...and it wasn't an earthquake that caused it...it was a stupid thing someone said...and your mood changed and your almost perfect day got ruined in an instant...

you start to analyze everything all over again...try to put the pieces back together...they don't fit anymore...maybe you grew out of your dreams or maybe they are just too out of sight...

out of touch, out of reach, facing nothing and the world at the same time...you have so little...and yet the world is yours to take over...

what's keeping you to snap out of it and fight?

as for me...i raise my glass of wine to all of you out there who do something about it...and to those who find a way...

rehab

someone once told me that being addicted to emotion is as simple as being addicted to coffee or cigarettes...come to think about it...it was true...

imagine getting so angry about something...like being angry at yourself for fucking stuff up...once again...and you promised yourself you wouldn't put yourself through that ever again...yet again...you did it anyway...

now...think about it closely...why do you keep on following the same patterns over and over again? can't you tell the difference between good and bad anymore? or was that the part missing from your world to begin with?


or maybe...just maybe...it's all about the chemistry that goes on inside yourself...the reaction to a stimuli...may that be guilt, anger, frustration[ oh yes...there are living, breathing, walking among us examples of those type of addicts], nicotine, caffeine or THC.

be it as it may...you might have to consider getting some help! there are special places with rainbows and unicorns where addicts get the care and attention they need...

so go out there and find a cure for your itch!

if i just lay here...

there's nothing like trying so hard to get something done, trying to make those words just come out of your mouth...or at the tips of your fingers, for that matter...it's like it's there, inside your head, just waiting to come out...but there simply aren't the proper words to  describe it...

it's like trying to describe the taste of coffee in the morning or the smell of summer rain...and it's sooo frustrating...how could you possibly make other people see the world through your eyes? you can make them feel or you could simply tell your version of it...but how can you be sure you got through to them? 

deep breath, light up another cigarette, stop thinking about coffee in the middle of the night and focus! not on what you wan to say bu what made you wanna say it in the first place. take a step back and look outside your circle.

take a break and resume...

the end

it's like everything you ever hoped for was being sucked out of you...every dream, every happy moment, every nice thought...you can feel the warmth of peace drifting further and further away, but you can't even get restless, because, in the end there are no feelings left...

you wake up the next day, hoping it was just a nightmare...but wait! there is no feeling of relief...no sudden joy of coming to terms with reality...just void sucking the air out of the room...as you gasp for air, you try to go to your happy place, but you get nothing...it's blank...no sunshine, no ocean, no mojito, and, the worst of it all, no coffee...you do however have one last cigarette, but you decide to save it for later...maybe you cand still find something, anything to hold on to...

it's late, everyone's tired and you've just reached the end of the rope...

as for me...i'm holding the other end...

scary monsters and fluffy puppies

who doesn't want to wake up to a Prince Charming, a hot cup of coffee and an ocean view?

instead you find yourself sleeping in the dog house again due to your complete lack of coordination...how hard could it have been to get that task ready on time? but no. it's easier to postpone up to the point when not even a time travelling machine could possibly save your sorry ass.

but on the Upper I-don't-Give-A-Fuck Side, fresh coffee is being served every 30minutes, a line of charming princes line up in front of the door, and there is a pony granting wishes to anyone who can feed it rainbows...

then you can  always go to the magical land of Mass Destruction and Denial, where every bad thought is being washed three times with pixie dust, then it's left there squicky clean to dry...after a while you'll become so used to the whole process that blocking everything out will be your second nature.

in the end it's your land of choice...what's it going to be? a fairytale gone bad, or a cold shot of reality with a twist?

as for me, i'm fine up here, inside my head, cup of coffee at hand, wishing you all a very happy daydreaming!

from desireland with love...

as crazy as it might seem, given the circumstances, what most people want is that special someone or something that makes them tick...whether it's about money, jobs or hopes and dreams, anyone can say in an instant what they don't want...ask them what they want and that's when the tricky part kicks in...

we spend our whole life meeting someone's expectations...our parents, our teachers and, when we get to our own, it seems we've suddenly grown outta place and everything turns complicated and, after all, there's always tomorrow to meet your hearts desire...

then tomorrow turns into a month, a month into a year, then years start passing by and you find yourself, on your deathbed, wishing you'd get a do-over...

H. Jackson Brown Jr. once said
"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."

so...get out there, and follow your hearts' desire, do whatever makes you happy, do not postpone, cuz you might not get any other chance to do it ever again..take risks...sometimes they pay off beyond your wildest dreams... as Steve Jobs once said "don't live someone else's life"

go get yourself some...[feel free to fill in the blanks with your deepest craving ]

as for me, i've been...[feel free to choose from : better, in and out of love, inside my head, sitting waiting wishing, soul searching, ..., ..., ... ]

and, finally, I wish i'd have a huge cup of coffee to comfort me and keep me warm...

shoes and other issues

it's like you have a pair of shoes..the pretty Louboutin you've dreamed for for ages...all the right things happened, you earned enough money and saved your ass off and finally got them...you gave them their special place in your closet, wear them on every occasion you get and check in on them daily, just to see if they're ok...everything goes great for a while...you might even think that that's the last pair of shoes you've ever bought...then, one day, you start checking out other shoes through the store windows...wondering how it'll be just to try them on...your Loubis will still be there for you when you get home at night, they won't mind, it's not like you're cheating on them or anything..it's just shoes for god's sake...it's not like you were supposed to settle down after the last great pair of shoes you bought...you're young, there plenty of shoes in the sea...what if another pair will fit you better, what if all you want is to be an inch higher on some Manolos??

and then...

you finally did it...someone took you off that shelf and brought you home...and such a pretty home, indeed...you've got your very own shelf now, you don't have to mix and mingle with last years' collection...you are now the only red-soled shoes on the premises...there's no way she'll ever want another pair...not even those extravagant Jimmy Choo's...until one day...she comes home, her feet feel different...they smell like something you've almost forgotten...they smell like...like...NEW SHOES..other shoes...she tried on something else...she's thinking about buying a new pair...or maybe, just maybe, she was just curious how it felt...you see no new bag, no box, no sign of intruders being brought back with her...but the smile on her face and the smell of new shoes linger...